I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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