Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
