i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
