i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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