He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize