Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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