I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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