your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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