i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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