Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
