I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
