I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
