Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize