Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
