we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
