The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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