You smell like a Billy Joel song
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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