were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
