don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
