I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
