if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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