Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
