i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
