I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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