It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
oh god was she eating orange peels again
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
