I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
