My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
