She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
