The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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