now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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