you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
