I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
