i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just want nice things and good sex
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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