Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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