It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
