Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
