I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
