help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I need to stop coming to work sober
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
