You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
