then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Randomize
