did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
