Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
