i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
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We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
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Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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