If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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