I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
