He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
