Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
