i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
