First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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