My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
