The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
