I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
