2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
