I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
