I wish my penis had an off switch
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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