I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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