dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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