so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
this just has baby written all over it
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
