so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We need a shit load of segways right now
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
